So far we have seen at some length what emotional management means and
why this management is essential. Now let us proceed to reflect briefly on some
of the negative emotions and see how they can be handled with effectiveness and
ease.
Managing anger
Anger is one of the most challenging of negative emotions that most of
us are faced with. We generally feel angry when we find someone trespassing on
our territory, belittling us, stepping on our toes, letting us down or plain
ignoring us. When we are angry, its destructive consequences can be directed
either towards ourselves or towards others. When it is directed outside, it can
either take the form of hostility or withdrawal. Both hostility and withdrawal
in turn can lead to alienation and distress in relationships. Possessing angry
feelings does not in itself destroy relationships but handling them poorly may
do so. Anger when directed towards others can provoke aggression or hostility
and when allowed to get out of control can lead to violence. Aggression can
make others angry or feel hurt and humiliated, causing them to get on the
defensive. It can cause others to become non-cooperative and resentful. Anger
can cause an abrupt rise in one's blood pressure, making one feel disgusted
with self, bringing about a feeling of low self-esteem that in turn causes
indigestion and ulcers. Anger, therefore, needs attention. Anger can be made to
chill provided that we have sufficient mastery over certain thinking skills.
Some of these skills, as Nelson Jones (2000) notes, are as follows:
(i) Owning responsibility for your anger
(ii) Realistic personal rules
(iii) Perceiving provocations differently
(iv) Coping self-talk
(v) Using visualization
As these skills are important in managing anger, let us look at each of
them briefly -
(i) Owning responsibility for your own anger
Anger when combined with other emotions like jealousy, anxiety, low
self-esteem, frustration, depression, etc., can become a complex emotion. If
your inner listening skills are deficient, you may not even be aware of the
anger coursing through your mind. Similarly, if when angry you keep on
resorting to defensive mechanisms, like denial, reaction formations, defensive
lying, misattributing responsibility, your chances of getting to know about
your anger are meagre. As a first step towards managing your anger, you need to
own responsibility for your anger and strive to understand fully the
consequences of allowing it to go unchecked. If instead of doing this, you go
on insisting that you are innocent and putting the blame on others, there is
seldom any chance for de-escalating your anger.
(ii) Realistic personal rules
Your personal rules, as Nelson Jones (2000) puts it, are the dos and
don'ts by which you lead your life. They are not, as Goleman (1998) puts it,
lofty abstractions but intimate credos, our guiding values from which we must
not shrink. They act as a barometer to indicate whether what we are doing is
worthwhile or not. In the event of there being discrepancies between what we do
and our values, the result will be unease as experienced in the form of guilt,
shame, remorse and the like. If our personal rules and principles are
self-supporting, they can, to a great extent, help us in controlling our anger.
Conversely, if they are self-suppressing, they can be quite exasperating in the
given situation. If, for example, the principle you stand on is "I must be
liked and appreciated by everyone with whom I interact", you are being
rather unrealistic! After all, it is not mandatory for anyone and everyone with
whom you interact to like and appreciate you. On the contrary, if you go about
in life with such unrealistic rules as this you have every chance of being
chronically steeped in anger.
The remedial measure you will have to adopt here is to ascertain
whether you harbour any such rules or perceptions, promptly identify them and
assess their consequences for your happiness and fulfilment. Then you would
need to reformulate your unrealistic rules into realistic ones that work for
you. Take care to see that your personal rules express preferences rather than
demands and encourage flexibility rather than rigidity in terms of coping with
situations. Your personal rules will then, rather than causing you to be a
perfectionist, help usher in peace and harmony rather than anger and anxiety.
(iii) Perceiving provocation differently
Reframing or reappraisal is just another thinking skill that can help
de-escalate your anger. We should not be unduly harsh in judging others, nor
should we jump to perceptual conclusions without adequate data. Our persistence
at such negativity would be a surefire indication of our own insecurity and
lack of skill at accurate perception. Instead of jumping to conclusions, we
would need to explore generating alternative explanations for our anger and
then choose the best option that suits the given situation. Let us take, for
example, the case of a husband who is not openly affectionate to his wife. On
perceiving this, the wife, instead of jumping to the conclusion that he does
not like her anymore, should strive to find out other possible reasons for not
being openly affectionate towards her. She may think that his lack of
expressiveness may be due to his upbringing by parents who lacked the skill of
showing affection openly. She may also think that her own perception could be
due to her highly demanding nature. She could also think that he is so
preoccupied with his professional concerns that he has no time for thinking
about anything else. Thus, instead of acting impulsively, on inadequate
information, one should look over all possible reasons that can lead to a given
situation and then choose the one that appears to be the most appropriate. In
this way, one can avoid unnecessary worry and anger.
(iv) Indulging in self-talk
Indulging in some self-talk is yet another way to deescalate anger.
Before giving vent to your own emotions, you would need to find out whether
your perception is based on facts or inference. You would need to avoid
impulsive ways which in any case would be self-defeating, and resort to simple
self-instruction like "calm down now" or "Hey! Take it
easy". This sort of self-talk, as Goldstein and Keller (1987) note, will
afford you the time to get your feelings more under your control which in turn
would provide you with a considerably bigger choice in terms of expressing your
anger. In addition, self-talk like "I can handle the situation, if I don't
allow my stupid pride to get in the way" would also help you, to a great
extent, to cool down. Hand in hand with such self-talk, you may also use relaxation
techniques like breathing slowly and rhythmically. In this way, you can
considerably prevent the onrush of anger.
(v) Using visualization
Thinking in terms of images or pictures is another way to manage anger.
As you think of how to handle an anger provoking situation you are confronted
with presently, you visually go through each step as to how you want to behave.
Once you are through this process, you repeatedly imagine yourself handling the
situation competently.
Visualization can also be done in a quiet and comfortable location. You
may, for example, imagine yourself lying on an un-crowded beach on a pleasant
day. Imagine the warmth of the sun, the effect of the gentle breeze and the
peaceful noise of the waves breaking on the shore make their impact on you. As
you visualize such a scene as this, your anger will slowly ease, the visualized
comfort de-escalating your angry feelings.
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